Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Dear Old White Head

Ahh Mama Kat has posted a new writing assignment and for once I'll be able to post it early in the day. How exciting. So which to write which to write.

The Prompts:
1.) Write or share a letter to Santa. 2.) Describe a favorite Winter memory.3.) Last night it snowed buckets and you are forced to spend the entire day at home with your family...what's the plan!?!4.) What's the best gift you've ever gotten/given.5.) Describe a Christmas tradition that you have started with your own family?

Well let's see i have the snow and enclosed spaces with my family, that actually sounds a lot like what I imagine hell to be like, so I'll pass. I Love giving gifts and getting them but am drawing a complete blank on that one right now. I don't have any good traditions. So I'm going to write on the top 2 from the list, because I have something to say about them both.

First. A letter to Santa. If you read my blog often, or every you might know I work for a newspaper. Stop it's not super glamours. and no i have never uttered the words "STOP THE PRESSES" that doesn't happen in real life. At least not in real life circa 2008. so our paper ran a letters to Santa section and ANYONE could write a letter to Santa. Anyone was ME. Yeah why not. I could use a little Christmas magic so I gave it a shot. Needless to say they CENSORED my letter. changed somethings "they", they being the man, deemed inappropriate. so Here is a take on my letter i wrote with some additions the Newspaper wouldn't print.

Dear Big Guy,
Hey Santa hows it going this year? So have the high costs of wheat and grain affected how much your feeding the reindeer up there at the North Pole. I'm sure you don't really have great growing seasons, so it's probably hard to be self sufficient. I swear this government will nickle and dime you to death. Have you considered getting some solar panels for the sled. Scratch that idea, what with the sun not being out when your at work. What kind of detergent does Mrs. Clause use? your suit always looks so bright and nice. I mean jeez you've had that suit for what 100 years or so and it still looks bright red. Must be tide? Maybe you could get an endorsement from them. you should check into that.

So I guess this is where i ask for gifts. Well I was wondering if this year you could just write me a check? I have a bunch of bills and surprisingly they out number the paychecks coming in. Times, they are a changing Santa. If it would be more conveint I could forward my electric bill up to you, I'm sure Met Ed wouldn't mind. Also if you could bring me some food that would be great. I can't afford to go grocery shopping much, what with the high cost of wheat and grain and the low cost of my hourly rate. Seems they get a little up tight around this place when they see you rummaging through the food bank donation bin. Hey I'm not a bad person Santa, I'm just low on funds this holiday season. I've been a good girl this year, I'm way to broke to be bad.

If you need help making toys or pulling the sled you can hire me part-time as an elf/reindeer. I'm a little tall but I'll stoop down so the other elf's wont resent my height. I'm strong and look good in a harness so if you need a back up reindeer, in case Prancer calls in sick, I'm available. I don't have antlers but I do have a nice rack. Just think, if you hired me you might not have to bring as much money and food. If all your canned food and money are on back order I'll settle for a boyfriend. I just ask that he not be an elf. Look I'm not judgemental or anything but that's a long commute for us both. I'll do the long distance thing but WOW that's pretty long. I would prefer a guy a little more local. Although I 'm sure he would be very good with his hands. And just think of all the wooden trucks I could have. Thanks pal. Enjoy your last week off work. I'll see you on the 24th, if not before.
Amy M.
I'll leave some hot wings and beer for you at my place. I suggest you bring reindeer treats yourself. I'm not huge on flying deer. Harder to hunt down.

As for my favorite winter memory......5 words. Look at all that blood. Ahh yes 5 words you never want to hear uttered let alone uttered in regard to you. While I'm sure you thought this memory would be full of snow angles and snowball fights, it is not. I also partial blame this "sledding incident" as it's come to be know as, for my strong dislike of all things snowy and icy. See where I might be going with this story. I believe it was 1993-94 somewhere in there. I was in 6th grade. It was this winter that the East coast which i call home was being hammered by snowy, icy hateful weather. and I LOVED it. It meant 2-3 days off of school a week. I swear to God. They canceled so much school that year they never thought we would make it up. I swear we were off every Wednesday and Thursday for three weeks in a row. I loved it. My parents. No so much. seemed we were always off on their days off, their "special days" if you know what I'm talking about. So anyways. After one particular ice storm we, being my brother, our friend and myself went out to slide on the ice. There was a good 3 inches of ice onto of the snow. It was great. you could walk on top of the snow. talk about a real Jesus moment. Walking on top of the snow. It was great. It was also problematic. It took us about 20 minutes to walk 100 yards to the hill we intended to slide down. We fell a lot. But it was fun. we could run, jump and slide 50 feet on our knees. What a blast. right? for the moment. once we go to the hill my brother had to stomp and kick and beat a path in the ice so we could climb up the hill. We slid down the hill on our butts, backs, stomachs, loads of fun. and boy did we fly on the ice. Well here's were it gets a tad bad.

my brother slid down the hill. My friend and I laid down on our stomachs and clasped hands facing each other. We watched my brother stand up and start to walk away. At that point we let ourselves start to slide down the hill. Here is where the speed factored in. we had not allowed enough time for my brother to safely get out of the way. remember it was all ice so you had to walk rather gingerly on it. My body was like a speeding torpedo aimed right at his legs. BAMN! i hit him. BAMN his body landed hard on top of me. pressing my face every so not gingerly into the ice. Lucky me my face indent wasn't enough to slow our bodies to a stop and we slid another 5 feet. When we stopped my brother was yelling at me about how stupid i was and i should have waited till he was out of the way, that as until i picked my face up out of the snow. I couldn't see out of my eye. I later learned that was because of the snow and blood that was packed onto my face. I saw a look of terror on my brothers face. I couldn't feel my face. that was the really lucky part. But I knew something was wrong. then i heard it. "Look at all that blood" and it came from my friend, so i knew it wasn't her, and brother looked fine. so after a quick process of elimination i knew it was me. I touched my glove to my face pulled it back and started screaming. SCREAMING. Like i was being chased by a rabid giraffe. Screamed like someone had just told me i won a gazillion dollars and then said HAHA j/k. Screamed. with one person on both sides of me, literally holding me up we started back towards the house walking on ice. feeling much less like Jesus and more like wishing he was hear to heal my bloody face.

i mentioned above it was probably like a 100 yards. Well imagine trying too walk 100 on ice with the knowledge your face resembles the ground beef mom was turning into meatloaf when you left. It was a long walk back to my house. a very long walk. When we got to the back door I had stopped screaming but was sobbing horrible. I can only imagine what a bloody, snotty, hysterical mess I was. My mom, who was in the kitchen cooking and chatting on the phone, turned around when she heard us come up on the porch, I'm sure to remind us to take all our snow clothes off outside. She ways always big on that. then she saw it. it being me. it being this crying, snotty, icicles hanging from her face bloody mess that was wearing the same clothes her daughter had left the house in not 40 minutes ago. And she dropped the phone. BAMN on the floor. I remember being rushed in to the bathroom, I remember my mom yelling, i remember water on my face, and i remember my mom asking if i could see, which thankfully I could. I remember her cleaning out the cuts and i remember my friend leaving. But I've blocked out the memory of any pain. Lucky for me my face was pretty numb from the ice. I know my friends mother called, she was a nurse, and asked my mom if we needed her to come down, which she did anyway. I heard her tell my mom that upon reaching the her house my friend had mumbled something about ice and blood and then vomited. I must have been a sight.

I'm happy to say that aside from a scar on my eye lid and a slight mark on my check, which you only really notice when I'm really hot or a blushing a lot, there were no lasting marks. If you don't care the emotional scares and my long lasting hatred for all things snow and ice. I went to school the next day and surprisingly no one really made fun of me. Mainly because i took karate, and they all knew it.

Stop at Mama Kats and enjoy the rest of the writing assignments.


Rachel said...

santa will love the hot wings and and beer!

Jenners said...

Visiting from MamaKat's writers workshop posts...

I can't BELIEVE they censored your letter from Santa! It was so magical and warm and happy ... it would have spread cheer throughout the world! haha.

And your sled incident...yuck. But you know what, I love the part at the end where you said that kids didn't make fun of you because you took karate. My son just started karate classes because my husband was picked on at school when he was little so I'm glad to hear that it is an effective deterrent. (Funny what people get out of your posts, isn't it?)

Diane said...

OK, I like the check idea. That would make me really happy this year.

Sledding accidents are never fun. I broke my nose once, sledding into a tree. Fun times... not.

Heather said...

Dropping by from Mama Kat's. LOVED your letter to Santa. Hilarious! And the sledding sounds painful. Seeing as I live in south Alabama, I have never actually had the chance to go sledding, but that sounds exactly like something that would happen to me if I were to go. (Luck/grace isn't really my thing.)

La Pixie said...

everyone knows that Santa is a sucker for hot wings. I know I am.