Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Attention Dear and Wonderfully Stupid Customers

Disclaimer: If I did’t know better I would think the full moon was upon us again. The customers here at the paper have been extra odd and the amount of stupid things we hear is astronomical. So I’v decided to issue this memo to post on our doors.

Attention YNC customers

We ask that if at any point you feel you might say something stupid you refrain. Now since many of you think YOU are not the people we are referring to (trust us you are) we have devised a list of ways for you to find out if you are the offending customer.

1.At any point on your way in here today someone has to ask you to please move your motorized wheel chair out of the street.

2.If you came into place an application and after looking at the RECEPTIONIST and CLASSIFIED signs you choose to approach the CELEBRATIONS desk. While you might see your chance at procuring a job as a celebration. We don’t.

3.When asked what kind of ad you are placing you respond “the kind in the paper”. We need to know if it’s a memoriam, celebrations, an obit, a display ad, or a classified ad.

4.If you have information about a story, want to pay for your paper, buy a paper, complain about your service, yell at someone for no reason, buy the school house book, have your photo taken or pick up a photo used in a story, fill out an application, drop off a letter to the editor, or inquire about when something ran in the paper GO TO THE RECEPTIONIST DESK. I repeat GO TO THE RECEPTIONIST DESK.

5.If placing an ad where you want to sell something, buy something, offer a service, have a yard sale ads, sell a pet OR anything else that you would place in the classified section of the paper GO TO THE CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING COUNTER.

6.If you plan on running an ad in TODAY’S paper do not even bother coming in. We publish our morning paper the night before and the evening paper goes to print around 8:30 in the morning. You are too late better luck next time.

7.If we have just finishing explaining when your ad will run do not ask us if that means the morning paper too. If we said morning then yes it means the morning paper. Please pay attention we are not talking to hear ourselves talk.

8.If you have a habit of stealing pens, we don’t want you here.

9.If it’s October and you’re still having a yard sale, just give the shit away to Good will already. If you’re having a yard sale anytime just turn around and leave. We hate you.

10.If you place your child on the counter next to, near, or on top of the sign that reads DO NOT PLACE CHILDREN ON THE COUNTER, this memo is directed at you.

11.If you have no clue what the ad is going to say, please turn around go home. Think about what you are selling and what you want to say. The longer you stand at the counter with no clue only confirms your stupidity in our eyes.

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