I don't even know what to say. I've typed and deleted this thing a dozen times and I'm still at a loss for words. I'm not really good with feelings and stuff. Sunday night I had to repeatedly tell myself not to Throw anything and not to break anything. It was after all, my stuff. Why break my stuff in a fit of anger. But that's how I usually deal with my emotions, I'm very much like a child sometimes. So I swore and yelled and I called him a few unkind names and now I'm trying to move past all that. I'm still pissed. Pissed like anyone would be when their suspensions are confirmed. He just didn't WANT me. and then I cried myself to sleep.
My cousin didn't want to tell me, something about shielding me from it for as long as possible. Who could have known her in-laws (of all people) would bring it up to me, in a around about way. here's how that played out.
- buddy~ Amy wheres your boyfriend, and don't even say you don't have one you know what I'm talking about.
- Me~I don't have a boyfriend
- robin- Yeah! Wheres Mr. Ship (she didn't call him that) tonight?
- Me~ (laughing and rolling my eyes) He's not my boyfriend.
- Buddy~ Well where is he tonight he should be here.
- Me~ Oh he's out with his other girlfriend.
- robin~ He doesn't have a girlfriend, Missy does he have a girlfriend?
- Missy (my cousin)~ AHHH YES (she said it through clenched teeth I could hardly hear her.)
- Robin~ Oh.
end of conversation. I just sat there looking at the bonfire trying to process what she just said. I looked at her asked if that was true and she told me from what she knew he was seeing someone. OUCH. glad I went to that cookout. I'm even gladder he wasn't there with said new GF.
I don't begrudge anyone their happiness. I just didn't want him to find it before me. He's made me feel SO bad about myself SO many times, some knowingly some not I'm sure, that I just wanted to be the one to be happy first. I wanted him to realize he missed out (that's the high school girl coming out in me LOL). Now it doesn't matter.
Here is where all my real life friends/family would/will collectively sigh a disgusted sigh. He's not a bad guy. he isn't. I'm not saying he's the worlds greatest or anything. But he's not a bad guy. He deserves to be happy and happy never was, and never would have been, with me. I knew that. He knew that. Everyone knew that. We had a lot of good times together. I truly did care about him. So I'm glad he found someone and I hope she makes me him. To be honest I don't think he's been truly happy in a very LONG time. Maybe this is his time. I hope she treats him well. I hope she deserves him, because when he wants to be, he's a really great guy. And he deserves someone who will appreciate that.
I wonder how this will effect the Trace Adkins concert. As in, am I still going. I never paid for the ticket, because he told me I DIDN'T have to. So now I don't really have any legitimate claim to the ticket. DO i? hum? screwed yet again in the most unpleasant way.
And that's how I feel about that. for the most part.