Wednesday, May 27, 2009

What would I do without you

THANKS! To everyone who commented on my post yesterday. THANKS! I know everything you said is true. I do deserve to be happy (whatever that is) and I will be. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated it.

I'm going to try and find things that float my boat :> I bought my fishing license last week and I can't wait to do some fishing. It's a great way to relax and enjoy the outdoors. I'd like to find somethings to do in my spare time that will open me up to different things and different people. So i resolve to try more, to find things that I like. that I want to do. and do them. regardless if I do them alone or not.

I'm a great catch. I know it. I'm not saying it to be cocky or prove my self worth. I'm a good person. I'm dependable, my friends and family will agree with that. Sometimes I just start to fear that maybe no one will notice. Or that my chance passed me by. I think I've fallen so far into "the pit of what my life should be" that I'm struggling to find what MY life should be as decided by ME. Everyone around me is moving forward and sometimes I think I'm just glued down. Barely staying a float.

Some days i feel like I just have so far to go. I love my friends and my family. But in the last year I can't help but feel like everyone else is finding the things that make them happy and I'm just sinking further into the pit. I know I should not judge my life by anyone else. I know I shouldn't compare my success to the people around me. I know I shouldn't.....but I do. It's hard. I've struggled for 4 years to deal with being alone. All the while attending numerous friends weddings, baby showers, family functions, and work parties..... alone. I'm tired of checking 1 on my RSVP's. It does ware on me. It does beat me down. But I do my best to remind myself that I'll find what I'm looking for (in the relationship department) someday. It's just hard. I love my friends but I don't always want to be the 3rd wheel. They would NEVER knowingly make me feel that way. I feel that way in my head. It's hard sometimes, and sometimes I just want to wallow in it with Ben and Jerry. Some days I just want to scream, pout and whine. I see all my friends who are married and wonder when will it happen for me. I don't want to be the single friend with all the niece and nephews, forever. I want more.

But I know I'm a good person. I know I deserve to be loved and that when i finally find someone to share my life with they will be LUCKY to have me. That I deserve to be with someone who loves me and sees all the good things that make up me. I wont settle for anything less. I deserve someone who doesn't treat me like a stand-in for something better, a holding person until they get bored with me. I deserve to mean as much to someone else as they mean to me. I deserve more. And I'll have it sometime.

I just secretly (or not so secretly now) wish that sometime would hurry up. I'll move through this. I always do. I just needed to vent because as understanding as my friends and family (most of the time) are I can't talk to them about this. How seeing their happiness around me ALL the TIME makes it hard for me to breath. How sometimes I'm resentful that they have the husband or wife, the job, and the family that I just can't seem to carve for myself. Sometimes I just want to pout. Sometimes I just want to breath without having the happiness chock my windpipes. It just seems like everyone is happy around me. It's smothering sometimes. Case in point.

  • big brother announced Thursday that his girlfriend is pregnant.
  • Preggers (not for much longer) text me to inform me she is being induced tomorrow night. Seems baby Logan's doctors have decided it's time. She's only a few weeks away form her due date, but send some good thoughts their way if you can. My new little "nephew" will be here soon!
  • Soccermom goes Friday to see if they can tell what baby Smith is. I'm too be her first call after she leaves the doctor.
  • Big brother just got a new job making $28 an hour.
Happiness. all. around. me. I'm happy for them. I'm just hoping there's enough to go around.


Diane said...

Oh, I SO know how you feel. But I also have the benefit (?) of about 20 more years on this planet... and here's what else I know...

What you put out into the world is what you get back... in EVERYTHING.

Although it doesn't seem it right now, because everyone around you already seems to be living the life you want, YOU HAVE TIME! Take it! Relax... take a deep breath... and cut yourself some slack! It'll come... everything you want... in time. If you put pressure on yourself... if you give yourself deadlines, it's a surefire way to make a big, whopping mistake (trust me, I know this for sure!).

You ARE a catch. I'm SO glad you realize it. Now trust that you are NOT the only one who will ever know it! Have faith... in you and in the Universe!!! XO

Kitty said...

If it makes you feel any better... you know my life is shit too... misery loves company!! :)