As soon asmy head stops spinning I'm going to recover from this

Mr. Ship is seeing someone. and it's NOT me. And I'm PISSED. Maybe pissed isn't the right word. Upset? Angry? Sad? Hurt? I'm just really pissed off that it would even upset. Make me angry, sad and really hurt, at all right now. I don't know how to feel. I feel like I just hit with a brick. Right in the kisser! And I never saw it coming.

I don't even know what to say. I've typed and deleted this thing a dozen times and I'm still at a loss for words. I'm not really good with feelings and stuff. Sunday night I had to repeatedly tell myself not to Throw anything and not to break anything. It was after all, my stuff. Why break my stuff in a fit of anger. But that's how I usually deal with my emotions, I'm very much like a child sometimes. So I swore and yelled and I called him a few unkind names and now I'm trying to move past all that. I'm still pissed. Pissed like anyone would be when their suspensions are confirmed. He just didn't WANT me. and then I cried myself to sleep.

My cousin didn't want to tell me, something about shielding me from it for as long as possible. Who could have known her in-laws (of all people) would bring it up to me, in a around about way. here's how that played out.

• buddy~ Amy wheres your boyfriend, and don't even say you don't have one you know what I'm talking about.
• Me~I don't have a boyfriend
• robin- Yeah! Wheres Mr. Ship (she didn't call him that) tonight?
• Me~ (laughing and rolling my eyes) He's not my boyfriend.
• Buddy~ Well where is he tonight he should be here.
• Me~ Oh he's out with his other girlfriend.
• robin~ He doesn't have a girlfriend, Missy does he have a girlfriend?
• Missy (my cousin)~ AHHH YES (she said it through clenched teeth I could hardly hear her.)
• Robin~ Oh.

end of conversation. I just sat there looking at the bonfire trying to process what she just said. I looked at her asked if that was true and she told me from what she knew he was seeing someone. OUCH. glad I went to that cookout. I'm even gladder he wasn't there with said new GF.

I don't begrudge anyone their happiness. I just didn't want him to find it before me. He's made me feel SO bad about myself SO many times, some knowingly some not I'm sure, that I just wanted to be the one to be happy first. I wanted him to realize he missed out (that's the high school girl coming out in me LOL). Now it doesn't matter.

Here is where all my real life friends/family would/will collectively sigh a disgusted sigh. He's not a bad guy. he isn't. I'm not saying he's the worlds greatest or anything. But he's not a bad guy. He deserves to be happy and happy never was, and never would have been, with me. I knew that. He knew that. Everyone knew that. We had a lot of good times together. I truly did care about him. So I'm glad he found someone and I hope she makes me him. To be honest I don't think he's been truly happy in a very LONG time. Maybe this is his time. I hope she treats him well. I hope she deserves him, because when he wants to be, he's a really great guy. And he deserves someone who will appreciate that.

I wonder how this will effect the Trace Adkins concert. As in, am I still going. I never paid for the ticket, because he told me I DIDN'T have to. So now I don't really have any legitimate claim to the ticket. DO i? hum? screwed yet again in the most unpleasant way.

And that's how I feel about that. for the most part.

My life in an egg shell

I totally stole this from Diane I saw it on her blog today and thought WOW could that BE more accurate for me today. She posted it Friday but since I'm off Friday and Saturday (and don't have accuse to the Internet at home) I play catch up on Sunday. Yes. I come into work an hour early to read all of your lovely blogs. That's dedication. That's love or proof of how lame my life is. So I saw this and wow does it sum up my life, my weekend, and how I feel today. I want to get into why I feel so down, but I just don't want to deal with it. I'll tell you this. IT involves Mr. Ship (refer to this post if you don't remember who he is). In a sense he's my kryptonite, my garlic, my holy water. He just kills me every time. Builds it up just to send his wrecking ball right through my heart. over. and over. and over. again. And I let him. I fall for it. over. and over. and over. again. What does that say about me? Not much i fear. nothing good at least. He did it this weekend. It wasn't my idea. I didn't bring it up. He did. He contacted me. He filled my head with promises. And then sent in the wrecking ball. It wasn't my idea. It was his. And then he did the same thing he ALWAYS does. He made me cry. How do YOU call and make plans with someone and then just not SHOW up? How do you act like it's not a big deal? How do you care that little for someone?

Welcome my 2 new friends Diva Ma and Twisted Serenity. Thanks for reading ladies. Everyone swing by their sites and say HELLO!

Well dear friends this week is my furlough week so I wont be blogging everyday. I'll probably blog sometime over at my friends house using his computer when i can but I make no promises to be around much this week. Nothing like sitting at home because your job says you have without pay for a whole week. great fun.

I have big plans of feeling sorry for myself (because of work and Mr. ship), going to the gym to burn off some of this anger and by anger i mean (fat), and watching a lot of day time TV. sounds fun huh? I guess.

I'll have the honesty....a la mode please

Sam over at http://samiamland.blogspot.com/ bestowed this wonderful honesty award on me. So I'm supposed to be honest. List 10 HONEST things. Me. Amy. McMean. Must be honest. About myself. I feel years of pent up should have gone ot therapey issues bubbling to the surface here. Honest. About me. Oh boy. Here goes.

1. I always worry about being late. I show up 3o minutes early to functions and sit in my car and wait for it to be time. I don't want to be that person. The late person. the person everyone talks about while they are waiting for them to get there. No thank you.



2. I'm PAINFULLY shy. That's why I love blogging. I can SEEM open and friendly but I'm not. I'm painfully shy. I swear to whatever religoiuse icon you believe in. PAINFULLY SHY.



3. I go out to dinner and the moives alone all the time. I'll go to sit down places and stay as long as I want and don't worry about someone in the restuarant is going "Oh look at that girl all alone". I don't care. I need to eat to. For some reason this doesn't bother me. But PLEASE don't ask me to talk to anyone else sitting at the bar.



4. I'm jelouse of my friends. I'm jelouse of their lives, relationships, the money they have, the things they do, that their skinnier, less shy, smarter, and just all around better then me. I want to know when it's going ot be my turn.



5. I know that it's not so much love that draws me to Mr. Ship as it is desperation. I can't help but wonder what if no one ever cares about me again. What if this is the best I'll ever have and I miss it.



6. I want to be more like my best friend. I want to be strong enough to pack up and move across the country just because thats what I want. I want to be strong enough to try.



7. I think about sex all the time. Unfortunetly it usually involves Mr. Ship. I watch way to much porn for a normal person, but I don't really care.



8. I think that if i smile more, pay closer attention, dress sexier, laugh at his jokes, and sleep with him that one day he'll finally realize that I'm good enough for him. I use that logic to convince myself that theres hope with Mr. Ship.



9. I worry that what makes me happy might make other people mad and maybe it's easier to please the masses then please myself.



10. I'm too afraid I'll SUCCEED to actually try. What if it works, what if i get a new job and move, and make more money. And I can't handle it. I'll just stay at whats comfortable so I don't have to worry about it.

Now I'm to name a seven people who i think should do this also. I pick

• Darcie


• Kitty


• Rachel


• La Pixie


• Melissa
• and you! Be honest. I'll be readin these and I ahve my awesome new honesty decoder watch on.