I've come back over the months, poked around, read some of your blogs.............but never commented. Some how i felt like I wasn't "worthy" anymore. As if i had lost the privilege to see inside your lives since I had abruptly stopped sharing mine. Thing is....nothing was happening to me at the time. No overwhelming happiness to occupy my time, no over whelming defeat to draw me away. I just was. Maybe it was writers block, maybe it was boredom with my life but something made me go "I have nothing to say, nothing to contribute."
Sometimes i fear I'm losing myself. Becoming what is expected of me and not so much what I want for me. I think now I just feel a little scared and a little lost. Confused because I'm at a point in my life where I'm finally getting the things I've always wanted......the things I've been waiting for and for some reason it's scary. Terrifying. I don't want to feel that way, but i do. I feel like at any point things will come crashing down around me and that's that. The end of all things happy all things grand.
On February 25, 2011, my Dad passed away. It was startling, unexpected, and completely devastating for myself, my big brother, and my mom. Dad had been sick since Christmas. a cold we thought, a little sluggish, a little pale, just unable to kick what we thought was the common cold. After weeks for us telling him to go see a doctor he finally did. diagnoses~ A really bad case of Pneumonia. He was admitted to the hospital where they also found he had a slow blood bleed that could have been going on for months or weeks or days, but he would need a blood transfusions. He was given 2 units of blood and placed on oxygen so he would be bale to breath easier as his lungs were full of liquid. the second day in the hospital his kidneys started to fail. I thought that was the worst phone call I could ever receive. "Your Dad's kidneys are starting to shut down and he's been rushed to ICU". But he bounced back. Weaker then ever, frailer then i'd ever thought possible I watched my Dad slip to 140 lbs. He was nothing but skin and bone......and sarcasm wrapped in the delightful package that was my dad.
After almost 2 weeks in the hospital he was released......but not before they told us he had advanced lung cancer and serve damage to his heart. He came home on oxygen and was moving around on his own. My mom did her best to try and fatten him up, we kept telling him "you need to be stronger, we need to put some weight on that body it's going to be a long road". After being home for 3 days he had a Massive stroke. I received what I thought was really the worst phone call I could receive "McMean the EMT's are taking your dad to the hospital, he's not responsive at all".
What follows are 4 of the worst days of my life. Watching my dad struggle to understand what was happening was horrible. the last time i talked to my dad was Sunday night he died the following Friday. for 4 days he lay in a hospital bed unable to communicate with us. the stroke had rendered him unable to speak. The fear in his eyes was the worst. Not knowing if he understood what was happening, not knowing if he even knew us, and not knowing what would happen next. Watching my mom struggle to figure out what she should do and what he would want if things turned bad, but always thinking "your a fighter dad, you have fought so had all your life to become the person you are, this is just one more fight you will over come, because there are entirely to many things that i need you around for".
On Friday they sedated him and placed him on a vent in hopes it would allow his body some time to rest, his breathing had become so labored it took everything his body could muster to keep going. We left at 5 p.m. on Friday, exhausted from days at the hospital and just watching him struggle and trying to hold it together. He hadn't been truly awake since Wednesday. that night at 10:30 I received what I now KNOW was the worst phone call of my life, 'McMean the hospital called they lost your dads pulse and we need to get there right away". I cried the while way to my moms house and the whole way to the hospital. He was gone. I held my mother until my bother got there and we all went to see him together. It felt so surreal. Like an out of body experience. That couldn't possible be my dad laying there. My dad couldn't possible be dead we had entirely to many things to do in our life. Birthdays, holidays, life. to many things that all included him, and now what. Now what do we do? The last weeks have been a blur of things and people. But I still keep thinking I'll snap out of this and it will all be normal again. Even at the cemetery I kept thinking this isn't really happening...this isn't Real. But it was and now I need to figure out how to go on without my Dad. And what i really need is my dad right now.