Clear as pure water

Hold onto your underwear people. I have a few different things I would like to mention in my blog today and I'm sure I'll either a) forget a few of them and have to post again or b) it will be a huge mess of words and thoughts that look like a tornado ripped them up and tossed them back in an incoherent way.

First. I love how EVERYONE has an opinion about EVERYTHING in other people's lives. My friend Preggers mentioned this to me the other day. See she is well, with child currently and while she's only 3 months along EVERYONE has advice for her. Do this, don't do this, ignore this myth, read this book, don't do that, eat this, put your hand on your head and jump around for a boy, I think that's how she got into this situation. So I paid more attention and yes EVERYONE we ran into had something to say. I thought we left the PLEASE TELL GIVE ME ADVICE SIGN AT HOME, apparently I was wrong. Well much like that EVERYONE has an opinion on my love life, or lack there of. Don't talk to him, he's a jerk, you should go to the gym more, wear more make-up, do something with your hair, blue looks good on you, I know a guy, join a club, go out and meet people, think positive, he's cute go say hello, give him your number, smile more, slam your head into a wall to get noticed by the hot EMT's. I threw that last one in for good measure. I thought it was bad/sad/borderline pathetic when my 5-year old nephew turned to me and said "I sure hope find a guy to marry soon so you can have a baby." OMG! 5-years old and concerned about my love life. OMG. WOW thanks. Glad to see everyone in my family has concerns and feels they can voice them at anytime. Well apparently that has not been extended to friends, co-workers, extended family, friends boyfriends (my personal favorite, don't they have a keg to go empty somewhere), strangers on the street, and people I deal with at work. See (in case you live under a rock) I work at the obit desk at my local paper. I deal with many many many funeral homes everyday. I have "funeral director friends" you know those people you talk to on the phone all the time but have never meant. I couldn't pick them out of a line up if someone was holding a gun to my head, but we talk everyday. I can recognize their voice and I know tid bits about their lives, families and background. Well there is one funeral director friend who is extra chatty. Always asking me about my life. Have I gone out lately and what have I been up to. Typical small talk but sometimes it gets out of hand. We've discussed gold diggers, strip clubs (the local ones), drinking, and today he asked me if i have found a man yet to marry. He's married and they just had their second child a few months ago so he's not hitting on me. But Again I said Noppers, still alone and single. He asked me what I'm doing wrong, well if i knew the problem would be solved my friend. He said I should go out more, look for a different type of guy, try something new. AHHH people and their opinions.

I wrote a letter to Santa today. Our paper is running letters to Santa for free in the back of the paper. Any letter, no matter how old you are up to 100 words. Here is my letter.

Dear Santa,
I have tried to be on my best behavior, but a year is a long time to be good. I'm sure I wasn't good all the time but I was good some of the time. If you have room in the sleigh can you bring me a brown coat, some new shoes (size 7.5), and a boyfriend (please not an elf). If you don't have room for all that I'll just take the boyfriend. Thanks a bunch. Enjoy the rest of your vacation until Dec 24.
Amy M.
P.S.
I'm sure you'll be tired of the milk and cookies till you get to my house so I'll have hot wings and beer for you.

They said they weren't sure they could publish it. Something about Santa not being associated with male prostitution. Whatever. And they weren't to keen on the beer comment. Whatever. I'll send it to Macy's they are doing a Santa letter thing I see.

I knew i would forget all the things I wanted to post.
opinions ~
Santa~
ahh crap I forgot.

It's really cold here (not an original idea). I mean for real COLD and i mean here as in at WORK. My fingers are freezing. I think I'll need to bring some gloves to wear. Guys its OK it's 40 degrees out i think you can throw some wood in the stove and warm this place up. God almighty it's chillin in here. No wonder they gave us fleece blankets last year for a gift.

Oh yeah. I'm sure you will all be thrilled that I remember this fun fact about myself. I've been going to the gym in the morning. Yes me. I've gotten my lazy butt up out of bed. Well today I must be super hydrated. SUPER HYDRATED. I drank a bottle of water at the gym. By bottle i mean my awesome red Walgreens bottle full. It's big. Trust me. then i had a smoothie (i made it strawberry yogurt, pineapple chunks and OJ), a huge glass of water before coming to work, glass of OJ with my toast and i brought awesome red Walgreen's bottle to work with me. In the first two hours i went potty 4 times. 4 times in two hours. I'm like a camel. I can wait HOURS between trips to the facilities. 4 times in two hours. I had to slow my water drinking down. WOW. I did notice the last time (#4) that it's completely clear. Like i could have gotten away with not flushing if i hadn't used any TP. I'm so hydrated I'm peeing CLEAR! WOW!

I don't take requests. This isn't a radio station. But I will humor my friend. We shall call him EKIM. I'm so f`ing creative. I slay me. Anywho. He thought I should blog about things he likes. That's easy enough. EKIM likes red cars, well red stuff in general. He likes Dropkick Murphy, Flogging Molly and beer. He likes his house, I'm assuming he likes his wife since he knocked her up, and he likes stupid humor. I don't mean stupid in a bad sense. I mean stupid in a only a few people think it's funny but those few people are rolling on the ground holding their sides urinating in their pants. If you are up for some good laughs go check out his site http://bangboomcrash.com it's great. I roll on the ground and urinate in my pants when i watch the videos. Enjoy.
Good day. I said Good day.

Bar or work?

That is the question. Today is my brothers birthday or as he referred to it “His special day”. That was actually the defense he used at 11 a.m. today to justify being at the bar. Below is the conversation we had.

Ring ring (I’m calling him)
Birthday boy~ “HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMY!”
Me~ “Hey, wait what? Happy Birthday brother. Are you at work”
BB~ No I’m at the Pine (local seedy bar)
Me~ Whoa. It’s 11 a.m. little early for the bar isn’t it.
BB~ No. It’s my special day. You should come up.
Me~ I’m on my way.

Now I feel the need to explain that I DON’T usually go to the bar at 11 a.m. b ut hey, it was his special day. Off to the Pine I go. I had a beer (I don’t usually have beer before work) and shot some pool. My brother was well on his way to a good buzz and his girlfriend was slightly sloshed, at 11 a.m. may I remind you. He makes my parents proud one day at a time. I actually rationalized why it would be ok to drink 2 beers before work but I reminded myself I hadn’t eaten an opted to stick to just one Coors Light. I cleaned up at pool. I’m sort of a pool shark and by sort of I mean not all. I like to play. I’m not very good but I can make some shots. I have my days. Today was a good day. I ran the table for a while but I always lose in the end. What can I say; sometimes I blow my load early. I left the Pine at exactly 12:25 and needed to be at work at 12:30. Oops. I rolled in here to the death desk around 12:36 pretty good time for crossing Rt. 30 with 5-6 lights between the bar and here. I wanted to stop at the golden arches for a smiley meal, but I couldn’t justify being later for a cheap toy and some nuggets. Strange I could justify being late for a beer and some pool. Priorities? Needless to say 1 beer on an empty stomach downed in about 5 minutes makes even me a little off. I stuffed my face with a cheap pretzel sandwich from the machine in the break room. My options were slim and I only had $2 left from the bar. Well $2 and a ten, and trust me the last thing I needed was $10 in quarters from the machine. So I purchased my pretzel treat. My only complaint with those vending machine sandwiches is the ham ALWAYS looks transparent. One thing I don’t want to see through, my food, especially food of the protein nature. So that was the exciting start of my day. A trip to the bar, a few games of pool, and a pretzel sandwich at work. Living dangerously. Take notes children, you to can one day be a drunk with a job. That’s the best kind to be.