Time in a bottle.

Time flies by so fast. I'm feeling that from all sides right now. Not only is my little guy 4 months old but all the kids in my life have gone and grown up. I can't believe it. My nephew turned 13 years old last weekend. 13...going on a very angsty 18. I still remember going to the hospital when he was born. I remember changing diapers and sleepy overs at my apartment. Roller coaster rides, swim parties, birthday parties, breakfast at schooll with him. Seems like yesterday.

Then there are my twin younger cousins who turned 15 on Friday. 15!!! That's way to close to driving age for my liking. I remember my cousin showing me her ultrasound picture and saying 'here is baby A and that is baby B' I jumped up from the table so quick I almost knocked over the chair. Again I remember the hospital visit. Birthday parties. Sleepovers, movie dates, carnivals, swimming, fishing, I have albums of pictures. Millions of memories. 

And my step-son turned 13 years old on Friday. He was 7 when I came into his life. That seems like so long ago. The first time I meant him we went to chucky cheese and played games. Scott asked his dad if he had to sit on my lap. My husband said 'she's not Santa'. I remember making cupcakes, and coloring, and playing games. I remember the break down and tantrum he had when we told him we were getting married. But I remember the birthday's and our fun Father's Day trips. I remember trips to the amusement park and playing video games. 

I've watched all 4 of these children grow. And grow. And grow some more. I just don't know how or when all that growing happen. When did my little people become big people. 

My little people almost 4 years ago. 

My very first

Today is my VERY FIRST Mother's Day. The first of many to come. I've only been a mom for 3 months (although at 4am feedings it feels like forever) but I barely remember what it was like before him.....except for sleep. I remember sleep. I long for good uninterrupted SLEEP. But that is a thing of the past. I can't complain too much because my little guy is a good sleeper. 2 months he was sleeping 4-5 hours at a time and usually only woke up 1-2 times a night. By 2 1/2 months he was waking once a night and sleeping about 6-7 hours between feedings at night. I have a great husband who trades off night feedings with me so we each only have to get up every other night. And last night.....HE SLEPT ALL NIGHT. It's like he knew that was a great mommy's day gift. I put him to bed at 8 pm and he slept til 7:30am. I woke up at 6 and was alarmed he hadn't woken me up yet then I looked all dreamy at my husband, thinking he had gotten up last night with him. Then I realized the bottle was still sitting on the counter. Then I got concerned so I crept over to little mans room and there he was ASLEEP and snoring. How did I get so lucky!! 

This is him crashed out on the couch at 9am. I like to think he gets his laziness from ME! Lol

Learning curve

Things I've learned since becoming a mom

1. Showering is a luxury. On the off chance that I'm able to fit one in the baby will punish me for it. Example- I was able to shower quickly while the baby napped and once he was awake he spit up formula in my hair.

2.  On an average day I'll change my shirt at least 2x's because of the many bodily fluids he will produce.

3. The baby will sit contently for long periods of time UNLESS I'm trying to eat dinner.

4. My child will smile for any and everyone BUT ME!

5. I really don't need hours of sleep, 2 to 3 hours straight at a time will do just fine.

6. Laundry, laundry LAUNDRY. So much laundry. And endless supply of dirty laundry.

7. My husband and I will disagree about everything that pertains to the baby.

But for all the bad or annoying things that happen NONE of them make me regret having him. Even at 3 am when he's screaming his head off but refuses to drink his bottle I'm glad he's here. Tonight while giving him hugs and kisses I told my husband 'I can't wait till he's able to show us love back. Till he can give me hugs and kisses.'  For now I will just cuddle him as much as I can and I'll enjoy the times he fall asleep on my chest smiling. 

TGFP....... thank goodness for PINTEREST

While off on maternity leave I decided to step it up in the kitchen. I'm working on the whole housewife role. In 2016 B.B (before baby) my husband did the majority of the cooking. Not because I CAN'T cook or because I don't like too. It was mostly because....well, he would. And who am I to stop him from doing something he CLEARLY enjoys.

But since I've been off I've stepped up and started cooking dinner more often. Maybe I can casserole him into thinking it's financial possible for me to stay home full time. There's power in the casserole. Who doesn't love a good CASSEROLE. Casseroles could bring peace to the Middle East so why couldn't it convince a husband we won't end up homeless, which we TOTALLY would. 

I used PINTEREST to find some casseroles....I also used PINTEREST OG ( cookbooks and magazines) to find some new meals. On Pinterest I found the yum yum chicken recipe. I liked it right away it was easy.....and made up of only a few things. SCORE. Less stuff for me to mess up. Better chance that it won't SUCK.  It was pretty good. Well, it wasn't a fail for sure. It called for sour cream but I omitted that because my husband has a strong aversion to sour cream. My stuffing topping didn't get soft and gooey...it was more crunchy, but it was good. Good enough for my husband to eat it but it wasn't the mind changing casserole I was looking for. So the casserole search continues... Thank goodness for the never ending supply on Pinterest. 

Yum Yum Chicken
serves 6-8
(Printable Recipe)

• 1 to 1 ½ lb. chicken, cooked and cut up (I shredded one rotisserie chicken)
• 8oz sour cream
• 1 can Cream of Chicken soup
• 1 can Cream of Celery soup
• 1 box Cornbread stuffing, uncooked (Stove Top)
• 1 cup chicken broth
• 1/2 stick melted butter

Preheat oven to 350.

In 9x13 baking dish, lay chicken in the bottom of the dish.  In separate bowl, mix together the cream of chicken soup, cream of celery soup and sour cream. Spread over the chicken.

Sprinkle the uncooked stuffing over the soup mixture, (note: if herb packet is not mixed with stuffing mixture, top stuffing with herb packet).  Mix together the broth and the melted butter and pour evenly over all.

Bake at 350 for 30 minutes.

Striking out.

This whole mom thing feels like an endless mind game sometimes. 

The dr said ' oh you'll learn to tell his cries apart'.  Hmmmm. Everytime I think I have the 'hungry' cry figured out from the 'I pooped cry' I swear he changes it up on me. 

Today I packed up the diaper bag for an outing. Filled it with diapers, wipes, bottle, an extra outfit (just in case) and formula......and then left it at home. Good thing I wasn't in charge of putting the baby in the car.  All I had to do was carry the diaper bag out to the car......that's all I had to do. MOM FAIL. Unfortunately I didn't notice the missing diaper bag until I was across town. And this wonderful mommy had us out over little mans feeding time. Let's just say when he woke up he was less then pleased with me. GOOD JOB MOM. He screamed bloody murder. And I got really upset. 

How could I forgot the things he needs. Bad mommy. Fortunately for me my husband ran into target to buy some ready to use formula so I could feed the little man in the parking lot. My husband kept telling me it was ok and that these things happen, but I still felt like an idiot. And when I picked him up he was so worked up he was soaking wet. My poor little guy. 

Pretty much everyday I find myself going.... 'Ahhhh what was I thinking, why didn't I know better!' 

Like when we finished off the formula and we switched to a different brand that gave him horrible gas and stuffed him up for 6 days. My poor guy. Thank goodness for gas drops. 

Mommy is trying. And I promise one day I will get it right..... And that will probably be about the time you move out! 

Holy baby

I don't know what I expected. Clearly I don't know ANYTHING. We just hit the two week mark. Two weeks since my little buddy came into our lives. 9 months of carrying him around inside did not prepare me for this. I have no idea what I thought motherhood would be like or what actually having my own baby would be like...but this is exhausting. I guess I thought it would be cuddling and cues. Smiles and giggles and all things WONDERFUL. But this is EXHAUSTING!

It's GREAT. ITS AMAZING. everything he does is impressive. To me at least. Well, not when he pees on me. That's not very impressive. Mildly funny but not impressive. 

I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be tiring. I knew it would be stressful at times. But I didn't really KNOW. 

I wouldn't trade it for anything. The poopy diapers. Wake up calls every two hours. Getting peed on in the middle of the night. Bottles. Laundry. It's all worth it. The self doubt. Second guessing myself. Trying to figure out if it's a 'I'm wet' cry or an 'I'm never going to eat again' cry. 

Sometimes I think I'm making a mess of things. Did I feed him enough? Is the diaper to tight? Is he hot? Cold? Am I the worst mom ever? But he cuddles up to me when I rock him to sleep and I figure.....well so far so good. 

I'm insanely lucky to have the amazing husband I do. He's been my rock through this all. Quick to change a diaper or make a bottle. We try to take turns getting up during the night but he often lets me sleep and gets up a few times in a row. Does the cooking and grocery shopping. I really couldn't imagine doing any of this without him. 

Oh BABY

Well........he's here 

All 8 lbs. 6 ounces and 20 1/2 inches of him is HERE. 

IT WAS AN EXPERIENCE. Not one that I'm quick to repeat. Does that make me sound bad? I hope not. I had a great pregnancy. Couldn't have asked for an easier time of it....right up till the end. Right up till the doctors decided that inducing me was better then chancing me going past my due date. Which knowing what I know now.....this little guy would have been late. But being late would have been a million times better then inducing me. 

They induced me on Wednesday Jan 20th. We arrived at the hospital at 9 am to get the party started. And that's where I stayed until Monday Jan 25th. He wouldn't come. I wouldn't dilate. Finally Friday morning, the morning of the big snow storm, they said ITS TIME TO PUSH.

So I did. I pushed. For 2 1/2 hours I pushed. After 3 days of being hooked up to machines and two of those days on full bed rest because of the epidural, I pushed. And I pushed. And I cried. And I said I can't do this...more times then I remember. And I pushed. And he. He didn't budge. Didn't move. Didn't descend like he should have. And then I told the doctor 'I need to stop can we please do a c section, is it to late for that?' 

I didn't want c section. My husband tried to talk me out of it. But I was so tired. I was in so much pain. I told him I couldn't do it anymore that I just wanted to be done. And I cried. And then we went for the emergency c section. 

Oliver, my little chubby cheeked baby boy was born at 12:40 pm on Friday Jan 22nd. He was born in destress. He had pooped inside and was covered in it when they took him out he also has fluid in his lungs. They cleaned him up as quick as they could showed him to me and then whisked him off to the NICU. My husband asked if I wanted him to stay but I told him go with the baby. 

Once I was back in Recovery my husband and mom came back with pictures of the little guy. He stayed in the NICU until 830pm that night. I didn't even get to hold my little guy until 9 hours after he was born. 

Four weeks and six days.

4 weeks and six days....that's me! I cried. When they called with the results from my blood test. Well, actually, I did that silent crying while the women told me the good news and then couldn't.t speak. She thought we had been disconnected until I said thank you so much between sobs.

The whole time you try to stay positive. This is going to work. I'm going to be pregnant...but....I didn't want to get my hopes up to high. So I also tried to tell myself that 'it's ok if you aren't this month you just keep trying the IUI until it works'. I read blogs and articles about IUI success rates, I knew it might take more then one time. BUT WE WANTED IT. WE WANTED IT BAD. My mom was convinced that it would work because the IUI was scheduled for dads birthday. My dad passed away 4 years ago. So kept saying 'it's a good sign, he'll make sure it works' and I guess he did. 

So now I'm reading all about pregnancy and what to expect. 

I'm stilling taking my progesterone oil shot every night and my 3 pills daily. I had blood work yesterday and it said my levels are great. I have more blood work me t week and our first prenatal appointment. So excited!! 

We've told a few close family members. The rest we will tell once we hit the 10-12 week time. 

T minus 24 hours

It's almost 23 hours until I go for my blood test. It's been a long two weeks. A VERY LONG TWO WEEKS. And in less then 23 hours I will know if I'm with child or if it'll be time to start another round of drugs, blood tests, ultrasounds, shots and IUI. PLEASE LET ME BE PREGNANT. everyone keeps saying ' hopefully you find out you have to keep giving your self a shot everyday.' It's weird when that is actually a good thing. 

So as promised at the end of my last post here is the most awkward thing I have gone through so far. 

I though the HSG ( hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them) was the most awkward thing....but I was wrong. There is something more awkward then laying on a table in front of 5 people who are looking inside me with a X-ray machine.....via my vagina.

Hubs and I had to go into the doctors office so he could 'learn' how to give me a shot. I wasn't thrilled and he was even less thrilled. Giving a shot.....seems easy enough. I've given myself the orvidell shot that's easy peasey. The progesterone oil shot........not so much. The nurse showed him how to fill the syringe, change the needles, then how to dart it into my skin and slowly release it. Maybe it was the anxiety in both of us. Maybe it was the anticipation of getting a shot. Maybe it was the disappointment of realizing this was yet another thing my body just wasn't doing but I couldn't stop laughing. Laughing like a 12 year old boy. 

Picture this. Me laying face down on the table with my but in the air while this conversation goes on

Nurse- you will want to pinch the skin around the circle firmly. (OH YES THEY DRAW TWO BIG CIRCLES, ONE ON EACH CHEEK SO YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT AREA TO PUT THE SHOT IN- your but looks like it's got eyeballs. )

Hubs- is this firm enough (grabbing my butt) 

Nurse-( feeling my butt) yeah that's good. Now you want to dart it in, imagine you are playing darts. Just dart the tip in really quick but only half way then you'll slide the rest in slowly. Don't do it all at once. YOU need to stop laughing.

Me- I'm trying. Hahaha

Hubs- ok take a deep breath ....let is out ( darts the tip in) ok is that far enough? 

Nurse- yeah, you want just the first half to go in ( inch and a half long needle people)Now slowly slide the rest of it in.

ME- OUCH

Hubs- is that to fast

Nurse- just slide it in easy, easy. Ok you are all the way in now push the plunger down slowly...slowly.slowly. That's right. And we are done.

Hubs- so I guess I shouldn't smack her on the ass afterwards, huh? 

Nurse - not unless you want her to smack you

Hubs- well the other cheek is ok SMACK! (Smacks my ass in front of the nurse) 

DEAR GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE!! 

He has done the shot 5 times now. He's almost a pro. Oh and those circles I told you about. There are small bruises inside from the needle so it really looks like it has eyeballs now. Incase you have to do this a nice warm compress after really does help it feel better. You won't be so sore later.

Here's hoping tomorrow brings good news. 10 MORE WEEKS OF SHOTS! .........seems really weird that ashot would ever be GOOD NEWS. 

So that's been going on.......

I used to write my blog everyday. I carved out time everyday to get all this stuff that's rattling around in my head OUT. It wasn't amazing things that would enlighten people or ideas to change the world, it was just stuff. STUFF. And sometimes you just need to get STUFF out of your head and into someone else's. 

BUT sometimes that stuff is just to much. Sometimes that stuff is personal. But then I remember nobody probably reads this anymore. And the few that do can understand all the stuff. That stuff I need to get out of my head because they probably have stuff too. God knows we all have stuff. 

So here goes. 

The hubs and I have been 'trying, wishing and hoping ' for a baby for 2 years now.  After 6 months I asked my doctor questions. She didn't really listen to my concerns. A year later when I had my 'woman appointment' I went to a legit OBGYN. She was concerned. Very concerned. After a lot of blood work we found out I had a thyroid issue. I started medication for that but the doctor pretty much told me I was 'to fat' to have a baby and needed to lose 80lbs before she would give me any fertility help. 

Apparently thyroid problems can really MESS UP your hormones and whole reproductive system. We left that appointment feeling defeated. It had already been alomst 2 years of trying and she told me it would be another 2 years before she would suggest any treatment. 

I was angry. I was mad. I was hurt. But I did what they told. I tookmy thyroid pill everyday. I started seeing a nutritionist I lost 20 lbs. And then hubs and I attended a free seminar at the local fertility center. My other doctor said I would require treatments in the future, so we figured why not get educated. 

The first thing they told us during the presentation was

Major causes of fertility issues

1. Irregular menstrual cycles- CHECK, when I brought that up with my family doctor she acted like I was making it up. Then she said 'Well maybe you haven't had it long enough to be regular" I WAS 33, pretty much had it long then I haven't at this point. I asked my doctors when I was in my 20s if that would cause fertility issue and they all said NO. 

2. Thyroid problems. CHECK. However I had mine back under control in about 4 months. 

We learned about the different tests and treatments, it was very informative. Then we had a free 10 minute consultation. I explained my history and my thyroid problem nc they told us the course of action they would take. We left feeling hopeful. For the first time in a very long time I didn't feel like I was a failure. We still waited until January to actually start going to the center. 

They sent me for blood test after my first appointment and called me at 9 am the next morning with my results. The whole process is very structured. On this day you do this, on that day you do this, and so forth. I had tests done to make sure my tubes weren't blocked and that they weren't misshapen. Everything looked good. I started my period at which time I started taking Clomid on day 3, then an ovulation test on days 11 and 12,never got a positive, day 13 ultrasound to check for eggs. I HAD THEM!!!! That was good news. My uterus looked good. And then blood work to see if my Levels were spiking. That equals ovulation. NOPE. AMY DOESNT OVULATE ON HER OWN. They gave me a shot that makes you ovulate.we did that for two months. No luck. On May 3rd I had my first IUI. We are currently in our two week waiting period to see if I'm Preggo. Two long weeks. TWO LONG WEEKS. ON MONDAY WE FIND OUT IF I AM. 

It hasn't been easy. But we keep telling ourselves 'it's all worth it' . I've taken more drugs in the last 4 months then in my LIFE. And they are hormone drugs....so my husband is just loving it/ me right now. This past Monday we found out the my progesterone levels are still to low, even with taking 3 progesterone pills a day. ( and they aren't taken orally. They are inserted.....well you can figure that part out). So my husband now has to give me a progesterone oil shot in my butt cheek everyday AND  I still have to take the pills 3xs a day. EVERYDAY. and if I m pregnant.........we have to do the shot and pills everyday until I'm 10 weeks. That will be around 42 shots. He's doing surprisingly well with it. But it still isn't fun. 

TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO HEAR ABOUT THE MOST AWKWARD PART SO FAR. 

My fall bucket list

I LOVE fall.  Every year there are things I want to do that I never get around to. Man it pretty much happens through our lives everyday. 

Well I might not ever get to Paris or swim in the he ocean off Bora Bora but I'm hoping I can accomplish a few of these things this fall. 

1. Attend at least one fall fest,  which has become a bit or a tradition for our family.

2. Carve a pumpkin. I usually never get around to carving them.

3. Have a campfire with friends.

4. Learn how to make apple dumplings.

5. Jump in a pile of leaves.

6. Head to a winery with some friends or a local brewery and try something seasonal.

7. Handout candy on trick or treat night. I'm always stuck at work and always miss doing it. Last year I raced home with a half hour left of trick or treating and it started pouring when I got out of the car. 

8. Makes some pumpkin cookies.

9. Snuggle up with a good book.

Some f those things I know I'll get done but I'm hoping i get a few more. 

Oh to be an only child

Oh to be an only child. I can't even imagine what that would be like. It must be magical. You never have to share your toys. No one elses stinky feet will ever creepy over onto YOUR SIDE of the back seat on those long cars rides. You won't silently be wonderiing if mom likes them better. It must be great. 

I wouldn't know. I have a brother. A brother who is 18 months older then me. A super duper brother...and by super duper I mean a brother who has teased me and made my life hell on more then one occasion. My mom and grandmother like to say 'whenever you got in trouble your brother would sit in the corner with you and tell you everything is ok' I don't remember that, what with it happening when I couldn't even count past 5. You know what I remember. Him tormenting me. TORMENTING ME.  Even to this day, I'm 32 and he's a few days shy of 34, he teases me every time he sees me. His favorite thing to do is pinch the under side of my arm. He's such an ass. He also enjoys making fun or just about everything and anything that has to do with me. 

He's fun. 

It's a 2 for 1 kinda day

#4 a text conversation that makes you L.O.L.

this conversation took place between my bestest best friend and me. We never skip a beat even with her living in Denver, CO And me living in York, PA

BFF- last night I went to Wendy's and they gave me a regular coke instead of a DIET COKE.

ME- those jerks!

BBF- yeah, I had to calm myself down in the car. I said to myself, 'Get over it You're about to eat a baconator the calories in the regular coke REALLY don't matter at this point'

ME- LOL. 'I asked for a baconator and a DIET coke...this is regular coke are you tying to kill me!' 

While I would much rather be able to have real life face to face conversations with her. Our text conversations prove to be very comical. 

Post #5 Write a post about the color orange. 

Orange, orange, orange is a color I'll always associate with fall. Pumpkins. Leaves. Thick warm fall sweaters. I once had a warm ribbed sweater with a turtle neck that I LOVED. LOVED. LOVED. I wore it all the time. With boot cut jeans and black boots. Pretty cool. At least I thought I was. The minute it starts to cool down outside I want pumpkins and colorful orange leaves and thick warm orange sweaters. 

3rd of 31

#3 best book I read this year. 

Hmmm. I haven't read as much as I would like lately. 

But I did read Gone Girl. 

Normally I try not to read books that are surrounded by hype and that everyone seems to LOVE, because I always hate them. They are built up to be THE BEST BOOK EVER but after I read them I'm left thinking......did I miss something, why does everyone love this book or that book. Well, gone girl was shaping up to be another dud book to me. I just couldn't get into it. 30 pages in boring, 50 pages in boring, 70 pages in is it over yet, 100 pages in....wait a second what's going on here this isn't so bad after all. 

It might be the best book I ever read but once I hit the 100 page mark it started to get interesting. Finally a hyped up book that wasn't a complete dud. 

2nd of 31 posts

Today has been a cluster Fuck of Epic portions. BUT I'm still posting tonight, so GO ME! 

#2 on the monthly writing prompt. A FALL FASHION YOU CAN'T STAND.

I'm not sure if there is a certain look that I just can't stand. Maybe shorts with tights. It's fall people, pack up the daisy dukes and pull out the pants. Summer is gone. It's not cute. It's not hip. It's wired. And you look weird and nobody wants that. I personal would rather chew off my arm then wear tights to begin with.but that's just me. And I'm sure it's due to me strong dislike for dresses. I really wish I was a dress up kind of girl because there are a ton of cute dresses and sweater dresses that I would love to rock. But that's not me. 

You what I don't want to rock....SHORTS WITH TIGHTS UNDER THEM. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING.  Did you get dressed in the dark? Oh I know you are covering your bases incase it's cold OR we get a freak 90 degree fall day. 

KNOCK IT OFF. 

October 1st post

I'm going to TRY and post each day this month. (I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you).

1. What was I blogging about last year.

Last year at this time we had just started the living remodel, and boy was that a fun 6 months. Ohh it must have been a big remodel. NO. NO IT WASN'T. We are just very slow and my husband isn't highly experienced in the DIY home remodeling categories. But we did it. With some help from some friends.  So I'm glad that's done. Now we can move on to MORE DIY STUFF! super excited. 

This time last year we were also gearing up for another exciting fall. I love fall and I tend to organize outings.....which I think everyone else enjoys, but who really cares. I have fun.  Some favorite pics from last years. 

I love everything about fall. The colors. The cooler weather. Pumpkins. Hayrides. Love it. 

Moving forward

It's been a while since I've posted anything.........we have shifted our focus, much to my husbands dismay at times, to working on our house. I posted the half removed wall awhile ago and it's safe to say that's finished. 

Before

After

We added an island in our kitchen 

Hung up our MILLER WALL

Painted the living room and kitchen and hung up a wedding canvas.....finally  and some other decor

Hubby decorated his room some as well 

So We've been busy doing little things around the house and yesterday we finished the sign and photos for over our bed . 

Pretty happy with how it turned out. Just two boards we nailed painted wood letters to the top one and I found some cool old rusty drawer pulls at the habitat store which I used to hang the pictures from. The pictures are from our honeymoon. And the saying while odd is something we say to each other all the time. 

And an update of my craft room 

And a mirror I re-did with spray paint and fake flowers.

So that's what I.ve been up too. 

How long does time take

3 years.

3 years to almost the hour.

I think it was around 11pm when we got the call.

'You'll want to get to the hospital right away.'

My heart stopped. I don't remember driving to my moms house. I don't remember driving to the hospital or The elevator ride up to the ICU.

I remember the nurses ushering us into a holding room. I remember the doctor telling us nonchalantly that they couldn't keep him breathing. That they brought him back and lost him again. REPEATEDLY. And they needed to know ' Do you want us to stop'.

We told them to stop. That his poor body had had enough. Then we waited for my brother and his wife to get there. Waited knowing that we would have to tell him dad was gone.

I remember the sobbing when we told him.  They let us see him one more time. There had been blood in his beard from removing the feeding tube.....and they shaved his beard.

He didn't look like my Dad.  I remember telling my nephew that 'Pappy would look different at the funeral.

My dad was one of 8 kids, after he passed we were bombarded by his sisters....trying to surround us with love but at the time it felt smothering.

Today was a hard day for me. Everyday is hard. So much has happen in 3 years. He missed so much. We've missed so much. Some day's I still think that he'll show up. That he's just been traveling and now he's back. I know that wont happen. But it sure would be nice.

Things get easier with time, that's what everyone says.  How long does time take. Because 3 years hasn't put a dent in my pain. 5 years? 10, 15, 20 years? I'm not sure I buy into that theory. At. All.

A little less me, please.

I'm not usually big on RESOLUTIONS made for the new year. BUT.....this year I've made a resolution. To ..........drum roll please............LOSE WEIGHT. 

My clothes are to tight and I'm not happy. The clothing I received for Christmas was my size..but that didn't fit either. 

I noticed my body has been sore. I feel old. Real old. And I don't like it.

But most importantly I need to lose weight because the hubby and I have been trying for a year now to have a baby and  it's no going so great. I have done everything else they recommend. Charting ovulation, vitamins and lots of practice..wink wink.., But no luck. So the next step is to lose some weight. Truth is, I need to lose weight for a ton of reasons. So I'm going to work at it. And the hubby is going to work at it with me. 

We use an app on our phones MyfitnessPal. Put in your current weight and it tells you how many calories you need to eat each day. The app makes it easy to track what you eat and any excerise you do. It's pretty great...it makes it idiot proof. You can use the camera on ur phone to scan the bar code of packages to automatically enter the calories. You can also search for food in their catalogue. It's pretty great. 

So we have no reason to not "be able to stick to it'. I'm hopeful. Usually we last a month or so and then it's back to ice cream and pizza stat, but this time I want to stick with it. 

So here's to seeing less of myself in the months to come. 

It's hard to be ugly

This week is our holiday party at work. Next to the halloween party it's the only thing to look forward to there. 

I worked on my ugly Christmas sweater today.

It's hard to try and make something ugly, on purpose. 

But I did my best.

I started with lots of supplies

Sweat shirt, garland trees, snowflakes, cotton circles I cut from a sheets of sparkly cotton, branches for arms and a battery powered string of lights.

First step was to sew the snowman on and stuff him. It was much hard then I thought.

 Next I attached the trees and snowed on the snow flakes. I'm not much of a seamstress so I did cheat some and use safety pins to help. 

I also added some mini lights to the bottom to add some fun. 

 And finally the eyes and details.

It's a tad hard to tell but the one eye is drastically larger then the second and the uneven. Also the buttons are purple glitter.

UGLY!